Julian Freeman

Freed to live through the death of another.

Tag: friendship (page 1 of 3)

Don’t You Know What They’re Saying About You?

Gossip is bad. If you disagree, it’s probably because you’ve never been on the receiving end of it. It stings, wounds, and separates close friends.

Scripture testifies to the reality of our experience:

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered. (Proverbs 11.13)

A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends. (Proverbs 16.28)

So gossip is bad. What can make it go away?

For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases. (Proverbs 26.20)

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When there’s no whisperer, there is no wood for the fire. The trouble, of course, is that there’s more than just wood necessary for a fire. You need oxygen and a spark. And with gossip, you need not just a whisperer, but someone to whisper to. And that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.

We all know that we should not participate in gossip (speaking or listening). But it’s hard to stop when it starts! We can talk about godly gossip and various other methods of extinguishing the flame of gossip, but when it comes down to it, in the moment, gossip can be very appealing to our fleshly appetites.
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Guys Who Have My Respect

 

There are eight things I love to see in guys; nine which garner my full respect.

1. The guy who does what he should–all the way

A guy who is faithful in all the little things is hard to find. This guy simply knows his job at work, his role at home, his place in church, and all the tasks that go along with them. And he brings those tasks to completion. He is reliable, and he has my respect.

2. The guy who consistently does what he didn’t need to

This is a guy who goes above and beyond. He offers words of encouragement and timely phone calls. He offers apologies for the smallest things that twinge his conscience. He seeks to draw out people that he didn’t need to love. He is thoughtful and caring, and he has my respect.

3. The guy who really romances his wife

This guy doesn’t date his wife because it’s the cool Christian thing to do. He really knows her and continues to woo her and surprise her. He takes initiative in planning evenings at home, dates and conversations. He works hard to make her swoon, he shows me what ‘Christ and his bride’ looks like, and he has my respect.

4. The guy who is a good friend

A guy who remembers what you’ve told him and upholds you in prayer. A guy who is willing to hold you accountable, not just at your weekly accountability meetings, but with all of life. He is faithful, loyal, and willing to have tough conversations and make meaningful observations into my life. He has my respect.
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Godly Gossip?

What the Bible Says about Gossip

Can gossip ever be godly? Certainly not by the standard definition of the word. Here’s a quick glance at some of the proverbs about gossip:

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler. (Proverbs 20:19)
Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered (Proverbs 11:13)
A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends. (Proverbs 16:28)

What is so evil about gossip? It springs from a heart of competition; the gossiper desires people to think more of them than what they think of the person being gossiped about. Gossip is evil because it runs down those who are not present to defend themselves. Rather than speaking what is good for building up, it actually tears down. It gives us reason to think less of the person being talked about.

Could Gossip Be redeemed?

But what if the desire were reversed? And what if the effect was reversed? Could there be a godly form of gossip? Could we find a way to speak of those not present in a way that would honour their God and edify those who hear?

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Delighting in God in People

People

Two things have helped me begin to overcome my tendency towards being an anti-social introvert. One is circumstantial, the other is scriptural.

The circumstantial factor is the wife I married. I love my wife. Dearly. With all my heart. But when it comes to relating to people, in some respects, our natural tendencies couldn’t be any more different. She is energized by being with people. I am drained. She is never happier than when surrounded by people. My natural tendency is to thrive when completely alone.

When I read church history I have to fight the temptation to be jealous of the monks who’ve lived in complete isolation. Although I do worry about how I would eat — I’m pretty useless when it comes to food preparation. In any case, living with Stacey has changed me. Because she loves people, I’ve had to become accustomed to having people around. But honestly, God has used that to overcome much of the sinful tendencies towards isolation and self-protection in my life. So I’m thankful.

But that’s the circumstantial reason. The scriptural one is more important.

Back to the Beginning

The beginning is a good place to start. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this, but for much of my life I never considered relationships with other people in light of Gen 1-3. What a foolish mistake! Gen 1.26-27 says,

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

Too Easy to Forget

Too often I simply forget these verses. I forget that humans are created in the image of God. They reflect him.  As an introvert, I like to get away from people to experience God — but nothing could be more unhelpful. While ‘the heavens declare the glory of God’, people are actually stamped with his image and likeness. God doesn’t say that about anything else — not mountains or meadows, oceans or starry skies. If you want to see God, look at people.

Now obviously we know the rest of the story: humans sin and the image of God is marred. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. In my neighbour who drives me bananas and in my wife whom I love dearly, God’s image is there. The more we’re able to see that, the more we desire to see that, the more natural it will become to love people. Inasmuch as we already love our God, we’ll love people because they show us our God! The trick is getting to know people with this question in mind: ‘What do I see of my God in them?’

Essentially Communal

Notice also that when God (who, as Trinity, is an essentially communal being) wants to create mankind in his image he doesn’t create one person, but multiple people (‘Let us … in our image’ … ‘he created them‘). That’s important. We cannot reflect God as he desires to be reflected if we are alone. Each of us reflects to each other and each of us receives the blessing of seeing God as we live in community as see each other. We simply cannot delight in God if we are not living communal, relational lives, full of other people.

God is in the Differences

Both of our first parents were created in the image of God. And Adam was created to be different than Eve. And just like them, every person since reflects the image of God in a unique and different way.

I never used to think about that. I used to think that it was annoying when people were different than me. But by God’s grace, through this text, I’ve begun to see in recent years that what God was doing with Adam and Eve affects my relationships now. Just like Adam was to reflect something of God to Eve in the ways that he was different from her (and vice versa), so the people God has put in my life are different than me for a reason. They are different than me for this precise reason: God wants to show me something about himself by way of contrast.

The Greatest Commandment

Therefore, love. All the previous thoughts have helped me these past few years make more sense of Jesus’s understanding of the greatest commandment. Haven’t you ever wondered why, when he was asked for one greatest commandment, he gave two?

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. (Matt 22:36-39)

Of course he gave two. Because if you love God, you’ll love your neighbour. Because as you delight in God you see him everywhere — especially in other people. And as you love other people, you see God in them. And as you see God in them, you love God more, and you love them for showing you God. The two are one. You cannot love God without loving people who are made in his image. And you cannot truly delight in people without seeing God in them.

So I Need Grace

I pray that God will give me grace to continue to see him in people — especially in our differences — so that I would delight in them and love them so that I might delight in him and love him. I pray for this grace in increasing measure for many years to come.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Friendship

** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

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I can remember a time not too long ago when I had no true friends. And I was happy. Or, at least I thought I was. If anyone had asked me, I would have quickly replied that I’m an ‘introvert’ and would prefer to be alone. I spent a lot of my life with people around, just from being a part of a church, and that was enough for me. I wasn’t a fan of having people around me for extended periods of time, or in private moments, or at all involved in my private life.

Then I realized that being an ‘introvert’ was really, for me, simply an excuse for my pride and selfishness. I like being able to present myself in a specific way for people to see and approve. I don’t like being open, I don’t like people seeing awkward things about me, and I don’t like them feeling free to speak a word of counsel to me. That’s all pride. And that kind of life is–simply put–unchristian.

I’ve had opportunities to write about friendship (here historically, and here more reflectively). I’ve even had opportunities to preach a series of sermons on friendship (find them here). So I don’t intend on teaching anything new or profound on friendship again. Rather, I wanted to offer two reflections on friendship in my own life.

1. I never cease to be amazed at how influential and beneficial friendship is. Hugh Black wrote the following in his book, Friendship:

A faithful friend can be trusted not to speak merely soft words of flattery. It is often the spectator who sees most of the game, and, if the spectator is at the same time keenly interested in us, he can have a more unbiased opinion than we can possibly have.

The true friend sees deeply, both the good and the bad. The friend who is with us in private moments and feels the intentions and longings of our soul is the friend who can at once identify with the same love our strengths and our weaknesses. That is the friend the Scriptures prize, who will speak words that faithfully wound, and words that will build up in love. Five words from that friend mean more than five thousand from another acquaintance. They have an incalculably influential position in our hearts.

2. I never cease to be amazed at how bad of a friend I am. The more I’ve had to think about friendship and study it biblically and historically in order to teach on it, the more jealous I am of those for whom it comes easily. While my being introverted was (is) an excuse for my being unskilled as a friend, it is still a reality with which I need to continually wrestle. I want to be private. I want to be elusive. I want to control how people know me. Plus, being introverted can also be an excuse for being relationally lazy. Those are realities with which I need to fight everyday. And those are realities that have won too many times in my life.

As I survey the 30 years of my life, and as I study the ideals of friendship, I’m constantly amazed at how bad of a friend I am to those who love me; how unfaithful I am in my love to those closest to me, and yet, how I’ve seen the forgiving and reconciling and longsuffering power of friend-love at work in them. It is humbling. God has blessed me with so many amazing friends who love me more than they should, and I’ve been such a poor friend in return. I’m thankful for all of the grace of God they have shown me in extending patience and kindness in spite of my failures as a friend.

If Jesus gives me life for another 30 years, and does not return, I pray that he will give me grace to kill sins which hinder friendship, and to treasure and nurture the love of those closest to me, so that my friendships run deeper and truer and purer in the next era of my life.

Some Tips on Actually ‘Going There’

This post is continuing the series I’m working through on redeeming your conversations and making them valuable.

You can read part 1, part 2, and part 3 before reading this, if you’d like some background.

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Some Tips on Actually ‘Going There’

Being convinced you want to redeem your conversations is one thing. Knowing how to actually do it is another thing altogether. How do you ‘go there’? Here are a few tips.

  1. Have something to say. Have you read your Bible this week? What have you read that you could share?
  2. Be open. Don’t ever expect a conversation (or a relationship!) to go deeper than you make it.
  3. Have questions. What kinds of things could you ask that would lead to fruitful spiritual conversation? (see here for some help)
  4. Approach people. Don’t sit back and wait for someone to come serve you. Target someone and engage.
  5. Care. If you don’t actually care it will be pretty obvious. Developing a genuine love for people will go a long way in helping you listen carefully and speak appropriately and wisely.
  6. Aim to serve. Ask yourself, ‘How can I “give grace” to the person I’m talking to?’
  7. Pray. If this is a biblical command and a spiritual reality, then you can’t do it on your own. So before, during, and after your conversations.
  8. Be deliberate. When you know Sunday or Wednesday is coming, prepare!

Learning to Be Intentional… Even If Awkward

This post is continuing the series I’m working through on redeeming your conversations and making them valuable.

You can read part 1 and part 2 before reading this, if you’d like some background.

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Learning to Be Intentional… Even If Awkward
We can learning from Pilgrim’s Progress:

‘Well, neighbour Faithful, let us leave [that topic of conversation], and talk of things that more immediately concern ourselves. Tell me now what you have met with in the Way as you came: For I know you have met with some things, or else it may be writ for a Wonder.’

Or in the Enchanted Land:

‘“Now then, said Christian, to prevent drowziness in this place, let us fall into good discourse.” “With all my heart,” said [Hopeful]. “Where shall we begin?” “Where God began with us…”.’

These are just a few examples. Christian was determined to redeem the time of his journey with conversation that would be spiritually beneficial for all. He was determined enough to take the conversation there, even when no ‘natural’ segue-way presented itself.

Sometimes we get frustrated in our attempts to redeem conversations and talk about spiritual things because we’re always waiting for the perfect opportunity to naturally transition the conversation. In reality, though, if we believe that redeeming conversations is worth it, sometimes we need to just swallow our pride and make the transition, even if it does seem awkward for a moment.

The momentary awkwardness will pass. The blessing is what will last.

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