People

Two things have helped me begin to overcome my tendency towards being an anti-social introvert. One is circumstantial, the other is scriptural.

The circumstantial factor is the wife I married. I love my wife. Dearly. With all my heart. But when it comes to relating to people, in some respects, our natural tendencies couldn't be any more different. She is energized by being with people. I am drained. She is never happier than when surrounded by people. My natural tendency is to thrive when completely alone.

When I read church history I have to fight the temptation to be jealous of the monks who've lived in complete isolation. Although I do worry about how I would eat -- I'm pretty useless when it comes to food preparation. In any case, living with Stacey has changed me. Because she loves people, I've had to become accustomed to having people around. But honestly, God has used that to overcome much of the sinful tendencies towards isolation and self-protection in my life. So I'm thankful.

But that's the circumstantial reason. The scriptural one is more important.

Back to the Beginning

The beginning is a good place to start. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but for much of my life I never considered relationships with other people in light of Gen 1-3. What a foolish mistake! Gen 1.26-27 says,

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

Too Easy to Forget

Too often I simply forget these verses. I forget that humans are created in the image of God. They reflect him.  As an introvert, I like to get away from people to experience God -- but nothing could be more unhelpful. While 'the heavens declare the glory of God', people are actually stamped with his image and likeness. God doesn't say that about anything else -- not mountains or meadows, oceans or starry skies. If you want to see God, look at people.

Now obviously we know the rest of the story: humans sin and the image of God is marred. But that doesn't mean it's not there. In my neighbour who drives me bananas and in my wife whom I love dearly, God's image is there. The more we're able to see that, the more we desire to see that, the more natural it will become to love people. Inasmuch as we already love our God, we'll love people because they show us our God! The trick is getting to know people with this question in mind: 'What do I see of my God in them?'

Essentially Communal

Notice also that when God (who, as Trinity, is an essentially communal being) wants to create mankind in his image he doesn't create one person, but multiple people ('Let us ... in our image' ... 'he created them'). That's important. We cannot reflect God as he desires to be reflected if we are alone. Each of us reflects to each other and each of us receives the blessing of seeing God as we live in community as see each other. We simply cannot delight in God if we are not living communal, relational lives, full of other people.

God is in the Differences

Both of our first parents were created in the image of God. And Adam was created to be different than Eve. And just like them, every person since reflects the image of God in a unique and different way.

I never used to think about that. I used to think that it was annoying when people were different than me. But by God's grace, through this text, I've begun to see in recent years that what God was doing with Adam and Eve affects my relationships now. Just like Adam was to reflect something of God to Eve in the ways that he was different from her (and vice versa), so the people God has put in my life are different than me for a reason. They are different than me for this precise reason: God wants to show me something about himself by way of contrast.

The Greatest Commandment

Therefore, love. All the previous thoughts have helped me these past few years make more sense of Jesus's understanding of the greatest commandment. Haven't you ever wondered why, when he was asked for one greatest commandment, he gave two?

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. (Matt 22:36-39)

Of course he gave two. Because if you love God, you'll love your neighbour. Because as you delight in God you see him everywhere -- especially in other people. And as you love other people, you see God in them. And as you see God in them, you love God more, and you love them for showing you God. The two are one. You cannot love God without loving people who are made in his image. And you cannot truly delight in people without seeing God in them.

So I Need Grace

I pray that God will give me grace to continue to see him in people -- especially in our differences -- so that I would delight in them and love them so that I might delight in him and love him. I pray for this grace in increasing measure for many years to come.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

Delighting in God in People

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I can remember a time not too long ago when I had no true friends. And I was happy. Or, at least I thought I was. If anyone had asked me, I would have quickly replied that I’m an ‘introvert’ and would prefer to be alone. I spent a lot of my life with people around, just from being a part of a church, and that was enough for me. I wasn’t a fan of having people around me for extended periods of time, or in private moments, or at all involved in my private life.

Then I realized that being an ‘introvert’ was really, for me, simply an excuse for my pride and selfishness. I like being able to present myself in a specific way for people to see and approve. I don’t like being open, I don’t like people seeing awkward things about me, and I don’t like them feeling free to speak a word of counsel to me. That’s all pride. And that kind of life is--simply put--unchristian.

I’ve had opportunities to write about friendship (here historically, and here more reflectively). I’ve even had opportunities to preach a series of sermons on friendship (find them here). So I don’t intend on teaching anything new or profound on friendship again. Rather, I wanted to offer two reflections on friendship in my own life.

1. I never cease to be amazed at how influential and beneficial friendship is. Hugh Black wrote the following in his book, Friendship:

A faithful friend can be trusted not to speak merely soft words of flattery. It is often the spectator who sees most of the game, and, if the spectator is at the same time keenly interested in us, he can have a more unbiased opinion than we can possibly have.

The true friend sees deeply, both the good and the bad. The friend who is with us in private moments and feels the intentions and longings of our soul is the friend who can at once identify with the same love our strengths and our weaknesses. That is the friend the Scriptures prize, who will speak words that faithfully wound, and words that will build up in love. Five words from that friend mean more than five thousand from another acquaintance. They have an incalculably influential position in our hearts.

2. I never cease to be amazed at how bad of a friend I am. The more I’ve had to think about friendship and study it biblically and historically in order to teach on it, the more jealous I am of those for whom it comes easily. While my being introverted was (is) an excuse for my being unskilled as a friend, it is still a reality with which I need to continually wrestle. I want to be private. I want to be elusive. I want to control how people know me. Plus, being introverted can also be an excuse for being relationally lazy. Those are realities with which I need to fight everyday. And those are realities that have won too many times in my life.

As I survey the 30 years of my life, and as I study the ideals of friendship, I’m constantly amazed at how bad of a friend I am to those who love me; how unfaithful I am in my love to those closest to me, and yet, how I’ve seen the forgiving and reconciling and longsuffering power of friend-love at work in them. It is humbling. God has blessed me with so many amazing friends who love me more than they should, and I've been such a poor friend in return. I'm thankful for all of the grace of God they have shown me in extending patience and kindness in spite of my failures as a friend.

If Jesus gives me life for another 30 years, and does not return, I pray that he will give me grace to kill sins which hinder friendship, and to treasure and nurture the love of those closest to me, so that my friendships run deeper and truer and purer in the next era of my life.

Post from: Julian Freeman

Friendship

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You can read part 1, part 2, and part 3 before reading this, if you'd like some background.

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Some Tips on Actually ‘Going There’

Being convinced you want to redeem your conversations is one thing. Knowing how to actually do it is another thing altogether. How do you 'go there'? Here are a few tips.

1. Have something to say. Have you read your Bible this week? What have you read that you could share?
2. Be open. Don’t ever expect a conversation (or a relationship!) to go deeper than you make it.
3. Have questions. What kinds of things could you ask that would lead to fruitful spiritual conversation? (see here for some help)
4. Approach people. Don’t sit back and wait for someone to come serve you. Target someone and engage.
5. Care. If you don’t actually care it will be pretty obvious. Developing a genuine love for people will go a long way in helping you listen carefully and speak appropriately and wisely.
6. Aim to serve. Ask yourself, ‘How can I “give grace” to the person I’m talking to?’
7. Pray. If this is a biblical command and a spiritual reality, then you can’t do it on your own. So before, during, and after your conversations.
8. Be deliberate. When you know Sunday or Wednesday is coming, prepare!

Post from: Julian Freeman

Some Tips on Actually ‘Going There’

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3. Stewarding Your Conversations Last night I was blessed with the opportunity to speak...

You can read part 1 and part 2 before reading this, if you'd like some background.

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Learning to Be Intentional... Even If Awkward
We can learning from Pilgrim’s Progress:

‘Well, neighbour Faithful, let us leave [that topic of conversation], and talk of things that more immediately concern ourselves. Tell me now what you have met with in the Way as you came: For I know you have met with some things, or else it may be writ for a Wonder.’

Or in the Enchanted Land:

‘“Now then, said Christian, to prevent drowziness in this place, let us fall into good discourse.” “With all my heart,” said [Hopeful]. “Where shall we begin?” “Where God began with us...”.’

These are just a few examples. Christian was determined to redeem the time of his journey with conversation that would be spiritually beneficial for all. He was determined enough to take the conversation there, even when no 'natural' segue-way presented itself.

Sometimes we get frustrated in our attempts to redeem conversations and talk about spiritual things because we're always waiting for the perfect opportunity to naturally transition the conversation. In reality, though, if we believe that redeeming conversations is worth it, sometimes we need to just swallow our pride and make the transition, even if it does seem awkward for a moment.

The momentary awkwardness will pass. The blessing is what will last.

Post from: Julian Freeman

Learning to Be Intentional… Even If Awkward

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What are the Benefits?
Aside from being a means of obeying the commands listed above, redeeming your conversations becomes...

• A Means of Loving. If you are speaking what is beneficial, it is what is best for them
• A Means of Serving. People want to talk about spiritual things and people want relationships that mean something. By re-deeming your conversations with them, you’re helping them get there. You’re serving.
• A Means of Leading. Leading means gaining conviction, calling others to conviction, and then being the first to act on convic-tion. If you’re striving for obedience to the commands of Scripture, you’re leading.
• A Means of Grace. 1 Corinthians 14 argues that the very best thing you can speak is not a miraculous tongue or even prophecy. What is most important is that your words edify and build up. That means your words give grace—they show people God.
• A Means of Developing Manly Biblical Friendship. Guys bond over a common purpose (think team sports). If we never talk about our common purpose where will we develop meaningful camaraderie?
• A Means of Encouraging Evangelism. Part of the reason we’re so scared of evangelism is because we’re scared of spiritual conversations at all. Getting our feet wet with brothers will go a long way to easing us into evangelism opportunities.
• A Means of Cultivating Humility. It won’t be long before you feel awkward or dumb in a conversation if you’re working hard to make it meaningful. That’s great! This forces us to grow in humility. Are you in it for you or others?

Post from: Julian Freeman

The Benefits of Redeeming Conversations

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Potential conversations are like gift cards you receive. They have no cash value on their own; they are worth nothing until you redeem them. But even more than that, there's a reality to the fact that conversations, like any other gift from God, are intended to be used. We'll be held accountable for how we've used that gift.

I wanted us all to think hard about every potential opportunity for a conversation as an opportunity for something great and a gift we'll be accountable for.

After that we dove into the lesson. I'll post the lesson in a couple parts, beginning with what comes below.

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A Curious Thought
The NT never commands you directly to ‘redeem your conversations.’ But the reflective reader of the Bible will realize the importance of stewarding conversations in order to fulfill a number of other commands.

• Romans 15:14 -- I myself am satisfied about you, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able to instruct one another.
• 1 Corinthians 14:26 -- What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revela-tion, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up.
• Ephesians 4:25 -- Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbour, for we are members one of another.
• Ephesians 4:29 -- Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
• Ephesians 5:18-19 -- ... be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart...
• Colossians 3:16 -- Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
• Colossians 4:6 -- Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
• 1 Thessalonians 4:18 -- Therefore encourage one another with these words.
• 1 Thessalonians 5:11 -- Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
• Hebrews 3:13 -- But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
• Hebrews 10:24 -- And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
• James 1:19 -- Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
• James 4:11 -- Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.
• James 5:9 -- Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.
• James 5:16 -- Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Evaluate your past Sunday: How were your conversations? Did you instruct, speak a hymn, speak the truth, teach and admonish, speak graciously, encourage, exhort, stir up to good works, confess your sins? Were you quick to listen? Did you speak evil about a brother or sister, grumble or complain?

Simply put, all of us want to have deep, edifying, spiritual conversations, the question is, how committed are we? And how do we get there?

Post from: Julian Freeman

Stewarding Your Conversations

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But, if you are like me--and most Christians I know--you may have trouble figuring out how to get to those good, deep, spiritual conversations. I'd like to offer a couple of resources that we've found helpful here at GFC. Neither is new to us--which is probably why they're good--but we love them both.

The first is a document listing some accountability and authenticity questions for men. This was originally created for our men's meetings some time ago, but several of our men have taken them and used them with great success in one-on-one friendship and mentoring relationships.

• Download Men's Authenticity and Accountability Questions

The second is a document that we created to help some of our leadership team grow in our understanding of how to open up spiritual conversations with people and 'drive to the heart' with our questions. It's based on David Powlison's list of X-Ray Questions.

• Download Getting to Know People

What's great about lists of questions like this is that they don't have to be all that you use. They are not a script or a formula. But they are helpful resources for learning the art of skillfully asking questions and helping people uncover issues in their hearts. As we identify with them where their hearts are tuned away from God and help point them to God we're fulfilling both great commandments: we're loving God and loving others.

I hope you find these helpful!

Post from: Julian Freeman

Need Help Pursuing Fellowship?

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As we were playing, I was filled with joy and delight in all that God has given me in this life. I am overwhelmed with blessing in my life.

At the exact same time, however, I felt twinges of sadness. Why, you ask? Because I can't remember the last time I took time and just played with my girls like that.

Life has been so busy lately. We bought a house, began renovating, and found the work that needed to be done was a lot more than we had anticipated. That, combined with the usual September busy-ness at church, has made for a long stretch of working every waking moment.

I don't like that. Busy is not what I was created for. It robs me of joy and peace and makes me frantic and tired. It brings constant temptation to stress and anxiety (a.k.a. pride and disbelief).

Busy is not what life is for. Being busy causes me to miss out on good things. Important things. The best things.

Lately, after our day of prayer, I thought to myself, 'I never get tired of praying. I never pray and then think that it was a waste of time. It never gets old. It's always worth it.' Today I had that same thought while I was playing with my girls.

That got me to thinking, what are the things in life that are always worth making time for? What are the things that never get old? What are the things you can do with your time that are always worth the investment? Here's my first attempt at a list.

1. Prayer -- private, family, corporate prayer with brothers and sisters from church
2. Time in the word -- reading on my own, studying for preaching, sitting under preaching
3. Going on dates with my wife -- we generally just get away somewhere where we can sit and talk... I can never get enough of that
4. Playing with my girls -- especially when I haven't wasted all my energy on everything else so that I'm too tired to enjoy them
5. Eating meals with my family -- time sitting, talking, learning fighter verses, hearing the funny things that kids think to say...
6. Time at 'my' Starbucks -- not that Starbucks is worth the time, but when I'm there I have a good book or just my Bible, sometimes my list of people to pray for... I sit, enjoy coffee, the change of scenery, meet with God and seek opportunities to share the gospel with the people I know there. It's always refreshing.
7. Preaching -- I've found that even when I preach and feel like it was a 'bad sermon', I hear reports from people of how the Spirit is working in their heart. His word will not return to him void, so it's never a waste of time to preach.
8. Being with people -- one of the saddest things that can happen in my job and in life in general is when I get so busy with 'stuff' that I don't have time to be with people and open up my heart to them and have them do the same with me. The more time I have to just be with people, the more I'm amazed at how I see God in that person and the more I'm blessed by them.

These are the things that I love. I'll never get to the end of my life and think, 'Man, I wish I had spent less time doing those things.' Would you have the same things on your list? What would you add / change / delete from your list?

The question I suppose I should ask is, 'What are the things in my life that detract from these things?' And then, is that necessary? Is it what is best?

I'm praying tonight that my God gives me grace to prioritize and wisdom to know how to find better balance so that I don't miss out on the very things I'm put on this earth to enjoy.

Post from: Julian Freeman

Things That Never Get Old

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Below are the individual sermons. I came at the sermons with a bit of a different approach. Since we, as elders, had wanted to address the core values of our church again, we thought it would be best to address the topic of friendship under the five headings of our core values.

So the first message was basically answering the question, 'Why prioritize friendship?' After that we thought through what truth, authority, humility, freedom, and delight have to do with friendships.

Over the course of the series we offered the following definition of Christian friendship: Two souls knit together as one in the pursuit of God through commitment to ongoing fellowship.

Post from: Julian Freeman

Sermons on Friendship

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Here are some of the quotes that I've enjoyed:

'The religious life, in spite of all the unnatural experiments of monasticism and all its kindred ascetic forms, is pre-eminently a life of friendship. It is individual in its root, and social in its fruits. It is when two or three are gathered together that religion becomes a fact for the world. The joy of religion will not be hid and buried in a man's own heart. "Come, see a man that told me all that I ever did" (John 4:29), is the natural outcome of the first wonder and the first faith. It spreads from soul to soul by the impact of soul on soul, from the original impact of the great soul of God.'

'Christ's ideal is the ideal of a kingdom, men banded together in a common cause, under common laws, serving the same purpose of love.'

'The very existence of the church as a body of believers is due to this necessity of our nature, which demands opportunity for the interchange of Christian sentiment. The deeper the feeling, the greater is the joy of sharing it with another. There is a strange felicity, a wondrous enchantment, which comes from true intimacy of heart, and close communion of soul, and the result is more than mere fleeting joy. When it is shared in the deepest thoughts and highest aspirations, when it is built on a common faith, and lives by a common hope, it brings perfect peace. No friendship has done its work until it reaches the supremest satisfaction of spiritual communion.'

'We cannot live a self-centred life, without feeling that we are missing the true glory of life. We were made for social intercourse, if only that the highest qualities of our nature might have an opportunity for development. The joy, which a true friendship gives, reveals the existence of the want of it, perhaps previously unfelt. It is a sin against ourselves to let our affections wither. This sense of incompleteness is an argument in favour of its possible satisfaction; our need is an argument for its fulfillment. Our hearts demand love, as truly as our bodies demand food.'

'The divine meaning of a true friendship is that it is often the first unveiling of the secret of love. It is not an end in itself, but has most of its worth in what it leads to, the priceless gift of seeing with the heart rather than with the eyes. To love one soul for its beauty and grace and truth is to open the way to appreciate all beautiful and true and gracious souls, and to recognize spiritual beauty wherever it is seen.'

Post from: Julian Freeman

Friendship Quotes – Part 1

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