So here is the complete list: 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday

Post from: Julian Freeman

Wrapping it Up

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A baby me

Writing this series and looking back over many of the things I've learned has made me realize something: I am a slow learner. I simply, truly, honestly cannot believe that even knowing the grace of God, it has taken me so long to know such small growth.

When I speak of being a slow learner, I don't mean that I'm unintelligent, I mean that even what I do know I often have yet to learn in the sense of applying truth and being changed by it.

That, it seems, is impossible to rush. Yet this questions plagues me: How could it be that I still live the way I do when I know the things I know?

How long will God be patient with me? Will his patience eventually, finally, just give out?

As always, the gospel speaks comfort. The gospel takes this truth and gives me positive direction moving forward so that I am not left in despair. CJ Mahaney, in a message to pastors, recently quoted JI Packer:

Appreciate the patience of God. Think how he has borne with you, and still bears with you, when so much in your life is unworthy of him and you have so richly deserved his rejection. Learn to marvel at his patience, and seek grace to imitate it in your dealings with others; and try not to try his patience any more.

To this, CJ adds:

“Think how has borne with you, and still bears with you, when so much in your life is unworthy of him.” When you’re 56, you appreciate a statement like this more than when you were 25. I appreciated God’s patience then; I just appreciate it more now. He has patiently borne with me for 31 more years. My wife, my children, and the men I serve with in ministry know how true it is: there is so much of my life that is unworthy of him.

That rings true for me. I've seen that. I've seen the patience of God. I've gloried in it. My life, literally, depends on it. Now, heaven forbid, that I would ever be impatient with others. I need to hear what CJ says:

When I am impatient with others, I have temporarily lost sight of God’s patience with me. At the root of my impatience is self-righteousness and pride. Daily remembering God’s patience with me protects my soul from sinful impatience with others.

Having had this season to reflect on God's grace in my life and his patience with me in protecting me and keeping me and bearing with me these 30 years, I pray that I would be patient with others. I pray that I would never for a moment be impatient at the slow growth of those around me. I pray that I would never be frustrated with them more than I'm frustrated at myself. I pray that I would love with a longsuffering love that hopes all things and patiently waits for God's power to bring change.

But I know I'll fail. I'm a slow learner. I'll forget his patience with me and I'll get impatient with you. And when I do I'll need to experience his patience with me again. I'm so thankful for his gospel-patience. It's my only hope.

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** This concludes the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday. Thanks for joining on the journey! **

Post from: Julian Freeman

Patience Compels Patience

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

30 Random Things About Me

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A pendulum

The pendulum drives everything. Okay, maybe not everything, but most things.

What we perceive to be an excess in one direction drives us to correct the balance by moving in the other direction. Over and over and over. I've seen this in other people and I've seen it in myself.

The more we run from doctrinal error that we see in others, the more likely we are to fall into the opposite error ourselves. An over-the-top notion of male headship leads to the rise of feminism. An over-emphasis on the sovereignty of God leads to open theism. A preacher who makes a huge deal out of minor issues will eventually find that people stop listening to the things which actually are important. If my friends discipline their kids too much, I want to bring balance to the universe by letting my kids run wild.

For every wrong over-emphasis there is an equal and opposite corresponding over-emphasis in the other direction. More often than not when I have made a theological move it has been as much about moving away from something I perceived to be wrong as it is moving toward something I perceived to be right. That's not entirely wrong, but I think it does warrant caution.

It has made me want to move slower and ask more questions.

• Is the content of the position really erroneous or has it just been given inappropriate weight?
• If I am moving from an extreme position, am I moving to an extreme position? Is there a middle-ground?
• What is good in the position I'm rejecting that I stand to lose?
• If I'm rejecting something because I feel like I don't like it, why do I feel like that?
• Who am I following? Are they prone to unnecessary extremes?
• Does the measure of my passion for this issue reflect the Bible's passion for and clarity on this issue?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting old and mellow. But it seems to me that if we're always moving between extremes, we're probably passing the truth somewhere in the middle every time. And if I'm just always stuck on the same extreme, I'm probably always just as far away from the truth as I was before.

The trick, I think, is to be pulled to truth like a magnet to its pole rather than to be pulled away from extremes to opposite extremes. Easy to say, harder to live.

I pray that God, by his grace, would allow me to cultivate a deep enough longing for truth in my heart that I would pursue truth out of an ever-increasingly-pure and purified mind that is willing to be wrong, willing to change, willing to believe what I may not like at first, and willing to stay put even when it seems like it would be nicer to change camps.

And I also pray that he would give me friends who observe me carefully and tell me when I'm just over-reacting.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

The Pendulum Drives Everything

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'When I'm a husband / pastor / father / homeowner / (fill in the blank), I will do it differently...'.

Underlying thoughts like that is a failure, I've learned, to recognize the fallenness of the world. There's a myth being perpetrated by the devil and the world -- a myth gladly accepted and amplified by my sin nature -- that I, unlike every human, will do it right. It's a temptation for young people everywhere and it is one of the reasons why I think people wait longer to get married, to settle in a career, to have children, etc. The myth is this: If you look hard enough and wait long enough, you find the perfect spouse. You, unlike your friends, can find the perfect car. The perfect house. The perfect ________.

Though far from perfect, thankfully, our house is in better shape than this one.

But here's the thing: no wife is perfect. No husband is perfect. No house, car, job, or anything else is perfect. It's all broken. This side of the new creation, everything will fail us and disappoint us.

But quite apart from being a discouragement (though it may sound depressing), I've found it to be actually quite freeing. As soon as I realized that it is 'okay' for my house to not be perfect, I didn't need to it justify me any more. When I stop and remember that it's 'okay' for my family to not be perfect, it frees me from comparisons and the desires to compare and compete. For those still looking for a husband / wife, it is freeing to know that no matter how long you wait and how carefully you choose, you'll still get a fixer-upper of a spouse. That's life.

What's been so freeing for me in this is that it gives me the ability to just simply enjoy things for what they are. I can enjoy my wife without worrying about how to 'fix' her flaws (which more often than not are my fault anyway). I can enjoy my house without worrying about making it 'perfect' (since it will never get there anyway).

Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that we don't pray and labour for God's perfect kingdom to come and to work in this world. It doesn't mean that we don't strive to be holy as he is holy. It doesn't mean that I don't labour to wash my bride with the pure water of the word (or accept challenges and corrections from her). It doesn't mean that I don't work hard to raise my children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. But realizing that the notion perfection of anything this side of glory is a myth is freeing when I feel the pressure to perform or achieve up to a standard I simply can't attain.

All this also helps me to appreciate my parents and those older in the faith as well. They haven't attained perfection, and some of the flaws I observed were accurate. But now I understand and feel a little bit more of why they're not perfect... because I've seen it in myself and in my world.

I hope that as I age I continue to find balance between striving for perfection and finding perfect rest in the perfection to come. When I find this balance, I find it enables me to, as someone has said, 'work like an Arminian and sleep like a Calvinist.' I like that.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

The Myth of the Perfect ________

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This morning I woke up tired. Yesterday I woke up tired. The day before that... well, you get the idea.

But it didn't used to be like this. I remember the day. It was sometime near the beginning of my second year of seminary. We had been through a move, renovations, pregnancy, having our first daughter, and me starting a new job at the church, all within the past year. I was taking a full course-load at TBS (including languages) and working near full-time at the church with a newborn at home. The year before I had taken about 1.5 times the full course-load because I wanted to get a running start. It was a good thing I did.

I woke up that morning and I was tired, frustrated, and angry. The world seemed at that moment, dark (because it was... it was before 6am in a basement apartment in the winter in Canada) and hopeless. I was drained. While my spirits weren't necessarily broken, my body was, and my mind was too. I wanted to give up. There just simply wasn't enough time to get everything done. I knew there was no stopping, and there would be no catching up any time soon. What I didn't realize then was that there would be no catching up from that point on... probably for good.

There's never enough time for sleep. Never enough time to finish all my jobs. Never enough time to stop and rest.

Vacations have come and gone and seasons have been busier than others, but overall I'm still tired. One daughter has turned into three, our basement apartment turned into one house (with lots of renovations) and then another house, part-time pastoring turned into full-time pastoring and church-planting, and I've gotten older. Life has not slowed down. I don't think it will.

Being tired used to scare me. It used to paralyse me. It used to make me panic and wonder, 'when will I ever get the rest I need?!' Now I try, on my better days, to remember that the tiredness and lack-of-rest that I feel is part of being in this fallen creation. It is a result of sin. But it won't last forever. In the New Heavens and the New Earth I will know the rest for which I was created. I'll sleep then.

In the mean time, I'm thankful for the gospel of Jesus which speaks to weary, performance-worn people.

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Thankfully, though the work is hard this side of eternity, Jesus promises true rest in the life to come. And in the meantime he gives grace and provides strength. And he lets us feel our tiredness and our weakness for our good. After all, I must remember that there is only one who does not sleep or slumber. And my tiredness serves to remind me daily that I'm not that one.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

The Myth of Rest

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Everything here is a shadow, a testimony, a teaser, pointing us to the greater reality of unfettered freedom and unadulterated pleasure in uncompromisingly personal relationship with the one who created us for himself. We were not created for this broken world. Everything here that gives joy points us forward to the fulfilment of that longing on the day when we will fully know, even as we are fully known.

Mountains, oceans, valleys, magnificent animals, music, poetry, the climax of a narrative, the unfolding of a mystery, the moment of learning, relationships, husbandry, fatherhood, church membership, passing seasons of beautiful intimacy with brothers and sisters in Christ, intangible and inexpressible moments of close communion with the Triune God; all of it has functioned to one end: to create in me the birth of longing. Longing for the day when it will not end. Longing for the day when the feeling won't pass the very moment you realize it's there. Longing for the uninterrupted gaze and the unending contemplation of the One who is Beauty and Wisdom and Joy and Life.

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing — to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from — my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back."
— C.S. Lewis (Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold)

Cottage Sunset

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

The Birth of Longing

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There is no virtue I need to grow in more than humility. There is nothing God hates more than pride. There is nothing that welcomes his favour more than humility. And yet, even after all these years as a Christian and a pastor, there is no sin more pervasive or more powerful in my life than pride.

The more I've thought about humility and seen God's affections for pride and humility throughout Scripture, the more I've realized that this is a big deal. In fact, one could very well say the whole story-line of the Bible hangs on the battle of pride vs humility.

In the Beginning, Adam...

The temptation of Adam and Eve is the starting place for this battle. They were put in the Garden happy, naked, successful, knowing and being known. But along comes the crafty old serpent who tempts Eve (in Adam's presence).

The temptation is multi-pronged, but at least on one level Satan appeals to pride:

But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Gen 3.4-5)

Satan essentially tells Adam and Eve that equality with God is something to be grasped at and achieved. God is trying to keep them back from what they could be. If they listen to him, they will be like God.

Of course, they gave in to the temptation and all of humanity was cursed both with their guilt and with their nature. Ever since then, every human ever born has believed in their inherent goodness and their right to not be dominated by a 'god'. Humans have, throughout history, contended with God for his supremacy. Just like Adam and Eve, we were and are proud.

And Being Found in Human Form...

The story of Christ is the story of God taking on human form, becoming a man. He was the only innocent man since Adam. He was the only man who ever lived who could legitimately claim equality with God. And yet, rather than contending for supremacy the way the first Adam did, he humbled himself:

... though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Phil 2.6-8)

Christ, who legitimately held glory, who alone has equality with God, didn't cling to it. He didn't fight to be equal with God. He humbled himself and obeyed.

The Divine Dare

The Divine Dare throughout Scripture is to take God at his word: to risk everything on him, believing that he will fulfill his promises. This is what we read again and again throughout the OT Scriptures, as God longs to show favour to his people:

... if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. (2 Chron 7.14)

And Jesus himself knows the dare:

Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. (Matt 23.12)

But Jesus alone is the only one to actually faithfully and completely trust God, willingly humbling himself to the point of losing everything: glory, honour, praise of people, riches, adoration, comfort, wealth, even life itself.

The Payoff

Of course God kept his word. His Son, who humbled himself, taking the divine dare, casting all his hope on God, was rewarded:

Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.(Phil 2.9-11)

The honour he was willing to sacrifice in not clinging to equality with God is returned to him. He is blessed with the highest honour of all honours: he is given the name of God, welcomed to the throne of God, and honoured as God.

The Call to Follow

The call to humility is the call to follow Jesus in going low. Peter puts it this way:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Pet 5.6-7)

As we go low, like Jesus went low, God will exalt us at the proper time, just as he has now exalted Jesus. The call to humility is the same dare now as ever: Do you believe that God will faithfully reward those who take him at his word? Will I ever learn to stop contending for supremacy and simply accept the role of a servant, believing that at the right time God will exalt me in his way at his time?

So far in this life I have not done well. I pray that with the years I have left, God will give me grace to faithfully follow the second Adam, not the first. I pray that he'll make me a man who is willing to forsake the pursuit of honour in the sight of other humans for the pursuit of honour in the presence of God -- as he sees fit.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

Humility

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People

Two things have helped me begin to overcome my tendency towards being an anti-social introvert. One is circumstantial, the other is scriptural.

The circumstantial factor is the wife I married. I love my wife. Dearly. With all my heart. But when it comes to relating to people, in some respects, our natural tendencies couldn't be any more different. She is energized by being with people. I am drained. She is never happier than when surrounded by people. My natural tendency is to thrive when completely alone.

When I read church history I have to fight the temptation to be jealous of the monks who've lived in complete isolation. Although I do worry about how I would eat -- I'm pretty useless when it comes to food preparation. In any case, living with Stacey has changed me. Because she loves people, I've had to become accustomed to having people around. But honestly, God has used that to overcome much of the sinful tendencies towards isolation and self-protection in my life. So I'm thankful.

But that's the circumstantial reason. The scriptural one is more important.

Back to the Beginning

The beginning is a good place to start. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but for much of my life I never considered relationships with other people in light of Gen 1-3. What a foolish mistake! Gen 1.26-27 says,

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

Too Easy to Forget

Too often I simply forget these verses. I forget that humans are created in the image of God. They reflect him.  As an introvert, I like to get away from people to experience God -- but nothing could be more unhelpful. While 'the heavens declare the glory of God', people are actually stamped with his image and likeness. God doesn't say that about anything else -- not mountains or meadows, oceans or starry skies. If you want to see God, look at people.

Now obviously we know the rest of the story: humans sin and the image of God is marred. But that doesn't mean it's not there. In my neighbour who drives me bananas and in my wife whom I love dearly, God's image is there. The more we're able to see that, the more we desire to see that, the more natural it will become to love people. Inasmuch as we already love our God, we'll love people because they show us our God! The trick is getting to know people with this question in mind: 'What do I see of my God in them?'

Essentially Communal

Notice also that when God (who, as Trinity, is an essentially communal being) wants to create mankind in his image he doesn't create one person, but multiple people ('Let us ... in our image' ... 'he created them'). That's important. We cannot reflect God as he desires to be reflected if we are alone. Each of us reflects to each other and each of us receives the blessing of seeing God as we live in community as see each other. We simply cannot delight in God if we are not living communal, relational lives, full of other people.

God is in the Differences

Both of our first parents were created in the image of God. And Adam was created to be different than Eve. And just like them, every person since reflects the image of God in a unique and different way.

I never used to think about that. I used to think that it was annoying when people were different than me. But by God's grace, through this text, I've begun to see in recent years that what God was doing with Adam and Eve affects my relationships now. Just like Adam was to reflect something of God to Eve in the ways that he was different from her (and vice versa), so the people God has put in my life are different than me for a reason. They are different than me for this precise reason: God wants to show me something about himself by way of contrast.

The Greatest Commandment

Therefore, love. All the previous thoughts have helped me these past few years make more sense of Jesus's understanding of the greatest commandment. Haven't you ever wondered why, when he was asked for one greatest commandment, he gave two?

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. (Matt 22:36-39)

Of course he gave two. Because if you love God, you'll love your neighbour. Because as you delight in God you see him everywhere -- especially in other people. And as you love other people, you see God in them. And as you see God in them, you love God more, and you love them for showing you God. The two are one. You cannot love God without loving people who are made in his image. And you cannot truly delight in people without seeing God in them.

So I Need Grace

I pray that God will give me grace to continue to see him in people -- especially in our differences -- so that I would delight in them and love them so that I might delight in him and love him. I pray for this grace in increasing measure for many years to come.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

Delighting in God in People

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The Holy Trinity

It's a funny twist of providence that I paused my series for a day in between the Son and the Holy Spirit. It was not intentional, but it does illustrate something of the way I've tended to (erroneously) view the Spirit in my life. While always loving the doctrine of the Trinity, my practice has sadly been to actually neglect the doctrine of the Holy Spirit.

I'm not entirely sure why that's been. Sometimes the excesses of others (the Benny Hinns of the world) scare me away from pursuing the Holy Spirit. And other times a bad application of a good doctrine (like the perpiscuity of the Scriptures) can lead me to think that I don't really need the Holy Spirit since the Holy Scriptures are clear enough. Either way, I was dead wrong.

It wasn't until a few years ago, when I attended the WorshipGod '06 conference hosted by Bob Kauflin and co. at Sovereign Grace Ministries that I really had to deal with Christian brothers and sisters who love the Scriptures, love the doctrines of grace, but who are eager and intent on experiencing the Spirit in their lives in all of the ways he was active in the New Testament. (See some of the reflections I had after that conference here.)

I could post lots of things about what I've learned about the Holy Spirit over the past few years, and how I've observed his role in new and dynamic ways both in the Scriptures and in the life of the church and in my own personal life. Instead what I'm going to do is just try pose two questions I've learned to ask myself in order to experience the Spirit more the past few years and then reflect on how that changes my approach to Sundays in particular and fellowship in general.

1. Am I Seeking to Actually Hear?

One of the positive traits I've picked up from my time hanging out with my friends from Sovereign Grace churches is that they have a unique expectancy that the Spirit can and will speak to them at any moment. As you arrive at church on Sunday, as you fellowship with your friends through the week, as you spend time in prayer and confession, what is your default posture? Is it one of expectancy?

Mine wasn't for a long time. Too many times I thought of conversations with other believers as just that: conversations with people. I never paused to consider or to ask, 'Could the Spirit be speaking through this person and using this conversation to help bring truth to bear on my life?' Considering the Spirit as the source of genuine fellowship between believers (again, whether at church or not) helps me to expect great things of conversations. It also helps me to listen better to sermons, and helps me to engage in corporate prayer. Where is God leading? What's he saying to my heart?

Do I expect that the Spirit will use this or not? If I'm not listening it's no wonder I don't hear anything. If I live like he's not there it's no wonder I don't experience the wonder of his presence.

2. Am I Seeking to Hear Where He is Seeking to Be Heard?

You don't have to be a Christian long before you run into someone who recounts how God, through some twist of providence, 'told them' to do something irrational (and sometimes even unbiblical!). That's a danger that we can run into when we're expecting to hear from God. We can think we are hearing from him when we're really, truly not.

So how can we know the difference? God has revealed himself. Part of that revelation tells us where and how he will continue to reveal himself to his people. He has spoken ultimately in Jesus and revealed Jesus to us in the Bible, and the Spirit will continue to bring that truth to life as we read it and meditate on it (the Spirit is the reason the word is living and active). The Spirit will continue to unveil the Father in the face of Jesus in the written word.

He speaks through his people, when they speak truth to each other. The Spirit indwells and leads people so that as they experience truth in the Bible and then speak of it with brothers & sisters, the Spirit makes that experience communal.

He speaks through the means of music and worship. As we rejoice in biblically faithful songs, God's Spirit takes that truth and affects us in new and fresh ways.

And the Spirit speaks through preaching. He always has. It's foolishness. As a preacher I can tell you that honestly, just like the apostle Paul could. But God uses it. And when the gospel is preached and people receive it as it really is (the word of God!) it take root and brings fruit (1 Thess 2.13).

So it's Sunday...

As I prepare myself for Sundays now I try to pray and ask God make me receptive to the prompting of his Spirit--both to listen and to speak. I want to fellowship in the truth of the revealed word with God's people, fully expecting that his Spirit will indwell his temple and that the God who speaks will make his presence known. I pray that my default disposition everyday--and especially Sunday--would be one of actually listening, with expectation of hearing from the Holy Spirit, who is himself God.

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** This is written as part of the series 30 for 30: Reflections on Life at My 30th Birthday **

Post from: Julian Freeman

The Holy Spirit

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